Struggle
by HearMeCalling
Summary: Buffy reflects on Angel and the bond they had.


**A/n: I don't own Buffy in any way. She belongs to Joss. :] **

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I see the world for what is really is. It's evil and corrupt and everyone and everything is not as what they seem. Take me for example. I'm just a "normal" teenage girl, right? That's where you are wrong my misguided friend. I'm the _slayer_. That may not mean much to you and you probably think I'm a quack, but it's true. I kill vampires. It's sort of a destiny thing that I can't get rid of. Well, technically I could if the other current slayer wasn't a crazy psychopathic bitch who helped our ex-mayor ascend to become a creepy worm-like thing, but I can't. The world needs me and I won't deny that I'm one of the only people on this Earth other than the ignorant police that don't know a thing about anything that actually happens in Sunnydale. I suppose you could say that I have a curse. Nah, not really. It's not that bad. You have a reason to beat up people. I mean, that can't be all bad, right? Well, I can't say I hate being the slayer. I'm pretty strong and I can whip a grown man with one arm tied behind my back. Trying doing that Chuck Norris. No. You're right. Chuck Norris could do that too.

Truth is, sometimes it really is a curse. It's not like I'm not grateful for what I have, but sometimes I miss being that helpless little blonde cheerleader who screams at the sight of fake blood or the inside of "haunted houses". I mean, sure, I was a little wimp who could be raped at any moment if I saw an attractive guy who just happened to need a release of his sexual tensions. Okay, now I'm making myself glad I have this curse.

Maybe, though, if I didn't have to be the slayer I could go out to the movies more often with Willow and Xander. Maybe I would actually have fun watching two actors kiss. I mean, an actor and actress. I'm not against homosexuality, but I don't think I would ever watch a movie about it. But anyways.

Maybe if I wasn't the slayer, Angel wouldn't have met me and then I wouldn't have to have my heart broken by him. I mean, he didn't just break it, he ripped it out and chewed it up like some sort of...vampire. Well, vampires don't actually do that, but that's what he is. I guess I have to accept the fact that I'll never be with him. I think one day I might want to have kids and that I don't want their father to turn into some maniacle crazy murderer who likes to stalk pretty girls. No. I think I actually want to marry a human who I can procreate with. Well, maybe, if someone or something kills Faith and a new slayer comes to town. Then I might actually catch a break and start my own little family with two kids, a loving husband, and a dog named Fluffy. Although I would always like to have Angel there in the pic with me. By my side...fighting off bad guys like some super-hero duo. Or at least a vamp/slayer duo that kicks some major paranormal ass. Maybe that's just me. Is it possible to at least have a dog there in the pic too? Maybe not. Maybe Angel is allergic. Wait, what am I saying? He's dead. Isn't that physically impossible or...something??

Okay, I guess it's sort of impossible for me to blog. I mean, I spelled "maniacal" wrong. I don't deserve to be in college. I'm a freaking failure. Although I was never good at spelling. Another weak point to me. Yay.

But I love him. I won't lie. I just can't believe he would leave without warning. I do sometimes wish that he would come back and give me a hug and tell me it will be alright. I need him like the moon needs the sun, but without it being so cheesy. I think he needs me a little bit too. I know it will be hard to forget him and maybe I don't want to forget him. I won't forget that the first time I ever laid eyes on him I thought that he was a handsome jerk who made it a habit of following girls in the middle of the night. I won't forget that the first time I kissed him I thought his lips were cold, but warm at the same time so the conflicting temperature made my head spin. I won't forget the shock I felt when his face transformed into that of a vampire's. I won't forget our growing awkward relationship and the dreams I had of him--of us--every night. I won't forget how every time I saw him I would get an elated feeling and how my head and feet felt light. I won't forget that my first time was magical and romantic and beautiful. I won't forget the hurt I felt when he said those things to me the day after we made love. I won't forget it all. Everything we had, everything we did, and every single feeling there was. All of it was just pure power and in my mind ecstasy was made easy. When I looked at him and he looked at me, two souls were joined together in a bond that will never be broken. Something that not even distance or time will change until I die or he perishes.

It's our struggle, but we can handle it. I'll be strong because he would want that. I know he cares about me, and he knows I care about him. Together, we will make it through even if there are miles and miles seperating us.


End file.
